Simplicity

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"I don't mean to suggest, that I love you the best."

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5/14/13

Well I did something stupid, but I think I’m glad I did it. 

Basically I scavenged through the various places in my room that I hide stuff, and went over everything I found having to deal with past relationships. The first thing I looked at was a love letter I had received from the closest I had ever gotten to having a boyfriend (at that time). It honestly makes me cry almost every time I read it. This boy was truly the sweetest person ever, and he tried so hard to make sure I was always happy. I wasn’t out at the time though, and so I told him we couldn’t be together. I don’t think I ever actually explained that to him though, and I think that broke his heart. He made me feel confident for the first time in my life, and he really did set a standard for me. There is so much that he did for me that he will never know. I want him too, but I can’t just burst into his life years later and explain everything? It’s not as if we don’t talk every now and then, because we do. 

 So next… all the stuff from my first actual relationship. I honestly don’t even want to go into depth about all the stuff I found, or my own reactions to each item. I’ll keep it simple, he was my first true love. Yeah, I loved that boy. A lot. More than he will ever probably know, and that is the sad part. Recently I have seen him and we kiss and it is just so unhealthy for both of us. We aren’t together anymore and I don’t know if we can be again. Maybe it is better we don’t talk anymore. Not necessarily better for him, but better for me.

It’s been an emotional few weeks…

11 months ago with 0 notes

Honestly one of the worst days I have had in awhile, thank god for my friends for keeping me busy. I thought I would have been in bed crying all day, but they reminded me that I am stronger than that. I won’t be that broken hearted boy.

11 months ago with 0 notes

2/19/13

I am feeling confident about my interview :)

1 year ago with 0 notes

2/11/13

I have always wanted someone who would take care of me. Someone who would work so I didn’t have too. I see how selfish that is. I also now know first hand how unrealistic that is. I don’t want to have to rely on anyone. I want to make my own money. I want to go to school. I want to be involved. To do all this I have to begin to take initiative, and in the first 3 weeks of school I have begun to do this. Hard work really does come with a reward. Honor Society, GSA, ICC, etc. I have fit so much extra stuff in because I want to take control of my life. I want to be able to pick a school I want to study at, and not be held back by my grades or achievements. This is such a scattered post but the point of it is. I am doing so much better than I was a year, or even a semester ago. I am not going to let my fear get in the way of my decisions anymore. If I know something or someone is wrong for me, I am going to take care of it.

1 year ago with 0 notes

2/2/13

Now I am exactly where I want to be. I have put it all together and I know what I have to do to achieve what I want. In the first week of this semester I have already taken over my college’s GSA club as President, become an ICC Representative, and have been asked to join the Honor Society. Basically what all this means is more opportunities and access to scholarships. I also am able to take the classes I want, at the times I want. I never begin class before 12:30, and the latest I stay in class is until 3:30. I was able to skip English 1B and move forward to 1C which was a great choice because the topics we are covering are actually interesting. Things like teen fitsporation blogs, body image, tattoo’s, and weight discrimination. I am also taking a Cross-Cultural Perspectives class and it is already my favorite from just one class. Other than that I have U.S. History & Geography, so nothing too bad. I really think it is going to be a good semester, and I think I even may have found my major.

1 year ago with 0 notes

Good grades, okay health, a boyfriend, and I still feel like I am missing something…

1 year ago with 0 notes

11/5/12

Stuck with memories of the past, and thoughts for the future. I will be okay. Somehow.

1 year ago with 0 notes

10/14/12

I don’t like how the only thing I have in my life is school. Even that isn’t really “something”. So many of my friends have dreams and ambitions and things they are passionate about, and then there is me. There has to be something out there for me, and I know how stupid that sounds but I am hoping so much that it is true. I don’t want to be a robot that goes to school, gets a desk job, returns to an empty home, and repeats. I don’t want to be dramatic. I have it good. At what cost though, something is wrong with me.

1 year ago with 0 notes

10/11/12

Everything I do is wrong. I’ll be honest with myself, I mess up a lot, and this is not about you. Yeah so your constant critique has made me realize I need to change. I just want to make it clear that it is not for you. It is for me. I need to make this change because it’s time I took control of my life. It’s time I took initiative, and it is time I stopped letting my insecurities get the best of me. I have missed for too many opportunities and this is where I draw the line. 

1 year ago with 2 notes

9/17/12

I can’t take this anymore. I have just been sitting here crying all morning. I just can’t take it. I am sick of friends lying. I am sick of the heart break. I sick of being told about all this potential I have because I just don’t see it. I am so mad at myself for not being the person everyone wishes I was. 

1 year ago with 0 notes

9/9/12

I stay to myself because I don’t want to get hurt. Well I happen to get hurt anyways. I want to be myself and I don’t want to have to stay in my shell. I want to be out there, and I want to be out there with my friends. I am going to get hurt anyways, so why not have some fun.

1 year ago with 0 notes

9/2/12

College is nice. My classes are exactly what I wanted. However that is education… Socially, life is going well too. I mean I am still horrible at talking to people and relationship wise I am…. uhhh ‘retarded’ for lack of a better word. He is just so cute and I wish I could be with him all the time…

1 year ago with 1 note

8/26/12

So tomorrow is my first day of college! While this past week has been full of different emotions, both positive, and negative, I am ready to move on. I have my education, as well as a new special someone to worry about. I am so excited for this week. I can’t believe I got asked to that party. The guy too… absolutely stunning! His smile has no comparison. The age difference means little to me. I am just really excited for everything that is coming. 

1 year ago with 0 notes

8/19/12

I waited too long, I said too little, I spoke too fast.

1 year ago with 0 notes

8/17/12

Things that I am worried/scared about

  • A relationship
  • College
  • COLLEGE
  • College!
  • A relationship
  • A relationship
  • My job
  • My ID picture
  • Where my life is headed
  • What is wrong with me
  • A RELATIONSHIP
  • Not being good enough.

1 year ago with 1 note