"I don't mean to suggest, that I love you the best."
I’m so sad and angry. Yesterday was supposed to be a good day, and it was, mostly. I had really high hopes for this new relationship and now i just don’t know. i want to cry.
I had a really great day. I got paid, I got to do a bunch of stuff with friends, and it was so nice, but now I am home. Regardless of what I do during the day, I always come home and I just feel empty again. I don’t know why, I thought I was done with that.
Well I did something stupid, but I think I’m glad I did it.
Basically I scavenged through the various places in my room that I hide stuff, and went over everything I found having to deal with past relationships. The first thing I looked at was a love letter I had received from the closest I had ever gotten to having a boyfriend (at that time). It honestly makes me cry almost every time I read it. This boy was truly the sweetest person ever, and he tried so hard to make sure I was always happy. I wasn’t out at the time though, and so I told him we couldn’t be together. I don’t think I ever actually explained that to him though, and I think that broke his heart. He made me feel confident for the first time in my life, and he really did set a standard for me. There is so much that he did for me that he will never know. I want him too, but I can’t just burst into his life years later and explain everything? It’s not as if we don’t talk every now and then, because we do.
So next… all the stuff from my first actual relationship. I honestly don’t even want to go into depth about all the stuff I found, or my own reactions to each item. I’ll keep it simple, he was my first true love. Yeah, I loved that boy. A lot. More than he will ever probably know, and that is the sad part. Recently I have seen him and we kiss and it is just so unhealthy for both of us. We aren’t together anymore and I don’t know if we can be again. Maybe it is better we don’t talk anymore. Not necessarily better for him, but better for me.
It’s been an emotional few weeks…